motherhood
in remembrance of today bring out blessings for tomorrow
I have not been so tender before beloved. However I did ask for a softer heart. And it’s a softer heart I have been given. Being on the path to softening my heart, softening it even more. I gave birth, a road I never thought would be my own. For I carried as many of us do a wound connected with motherhood. My relationship with my own mother was always one of resilience. Building upon the fractures of limited beliefs. We loved each other with a lot of pain in between. However isn’t that what makes love complete. The lineage, woundedness, heart centered vulnerbaility that it is to give life. And to receive it, to be here to pull the weeds of the past, a chance at a new beginning.
On the 2nd of December 3:48PM my sun was born. Through the dreamiest of pregnancies a wombman can ask for. I felt so centered and grounded throughout the entire journey. I witnessed my prayers materialize into existence as life grew through me, with me, for me, for us, for the ties we have been given, for the wounds we are here to tend, for everyone that came before me, another chance at forgiveness.
Yesterday as we went through our night shift; waking up every hour or two to tend to baby coco’s needs, my partner melts me with the most beautiful quote
“In remembrance of today bring out blessings for tomorrow”
Resonating as a mantric melody, lullaby to put me at ease as I feel the moist of the tears on my cheeks. As I hold space for remembrance indeed. I bow with the deepest of reverence for the mothers without families, without post partum care, with bills to pay. And I pull the strings of the heartiest symphony for my mother. Who had to work double shifts, who decided to have me regardless of what anyone would say, even though my father wasn’t there, barely in her early twenties, with post and pre partum depression, and all the heaviness that I still bare.
However in the same breath. I shed some tears for I know I came here to transform it. To shed light unto the possibility for love, tenderness. Shedding light in the darkness, to not only hold space but to create it. The expansiveness as we fully integrate. Everything that shaped us with so much loving awareness; traumas, memories, family.
They are all here to teach.
I was sooooo afraid of pregnancy because of the above mentioned beloved. I believed that I was not cut out for it. I was afraid of passing on unsolicited pain. But having the baby on your chest at 4am, peacefully sleeping, time stops, everything fades away, the utmost sense of presence settles in. And I surrender in so much heart space. I feel the boundaries of my body, as the tears continue to leak, dissolving me within waves of grace. For the opportunity to out grow, the pain into pure loving awareness.